I would like to make it publicly known that I officially love the ABC television franchise that is the Bachelor and Bachelorette. I tried to avoid this crap for SO LONG. But it is now officially undeniable… I love this hot mess of a show like Snooki loves a spray tan.
Please don’t fret about my sanity… I don’t love these shows because I think they are romantic and sweet and 100% real. On the contrary! My love for these shows is deep rooted in the humor I find in the epic train wrecks that are the convoluted story lines written by the producers to trick the star into picking just the wrong person to give them a star for the next season! For a long time this is exactly why I refused to watch these shows. I did not believe in them. I was 100% certain that they were total bullshit and therefore not worth my time. Boy was I wrong… Not about the bullshit (it totally is) and not that they’re worth my time (they totally aren’t) But those are exactly the reason’s I ended up enjoying the shows! After experiencing the complete and utter mess that was Ashley, I felt compelled to participate in Ben’s season of idiocy and have now jumped on the boat with Emily. I am fully prepared for a season full of drunk guys pulling dumb moves, throwing awful pick up lines, and wildly exaggerating their penis size through poorly executed displays of confidence.
In the spirit of tonights big event, I’m going to pour myself a glass of wine and blog my way through the first impression episode of the 8th season of the Bachelorette.
(OK, scratch the vino… I forgot I drank like 3 bottles when my
parents I mean roommates were out of town and forgot to replace them. Iced tea it is!!!)
First guy out! CUTE… although he looks like he could be her brother. Congrats to him for not saying anything jackassish. YET.
#2- Also cute, not brother like. Stupid question though… Clearly Emily picked Charlotte you dummy. EVERY OTHER SEASON has been in Cali.
#3- The Hugger. WIN for the story about your kid at home. You are definitely getting a rose for that. Too bad you have patchy facial hair.
#4- Immediate douche. Your cheesy quote smelled like moldy cheese all the way over here in VA. Now get off your knee and go inside.
#5- The Yeller. Literally the most awkward mover I’ve ever seen in my life. You walk exactly like my grandpa dances.
#6- Clearly Nervous. Nothing interesting came our of your mouth dude. Terrible first impression.
#7- Good thing Emily liked your tie. I hated it. Is this the 80’s?
#8- This guy really wants Emily to know he loves God. We are all blessed that he’s on this show because he is NICE to look at. Let’s all pray to God that Chris sticks around.
#9- Your music precedes you… They’re obviously trying to play you as the quirky one. Thanks for taking those glasses off. You looked like a tool.
#10- Ok Mr. “Brazil”… A. What is that haircut? and B. did you just say that you’d been in Minneapolis for the last 40 years? Didn’t your name plate say you were 30 something? I don’t like your accent already.
#11- Mormon on a skateboard! With 50’s hair!
#12- Token ethnic guy. Are you egyptian?
#13- I’m having epic embarrassment transfer right now. Not only did Stevie the MC just roll up with a boom box. But it was playing disco music. And he danced. And his name is StevIE.
#14- Brain injury Charlie. I really love you already. Have my babies.
#15- Prince Charming I’ll kill you. Could you be more awkward? You’re touching the girls feet and you didn’t even tell her your name yet.
#16- A cane? And a dress??? Only someone named Randy would pull something so ridiculous. Nice mint green shirt… and vest.
#17- IN THE CLOSEST! ACTOR HIRED TO FILL SPACE!
#18- Adam Shankman?? Oh no wait, sorry… Brent. I’ll never forget if you wear that name tag for the rest of the show.
#19- Wolf, I almost missed you because all you said was “I’m excited” like 12 times.
#20 Travis, everybody knows you can’t break an ostrich egg without basically bashing it with a hammer. Not impressed. Now you just look like the weirdo walking around with an egg.
#21- GET A HAIRCUT.
#22- MMMMM Jean-Paul. Those eyebrows…
#23- This isn’t Mexico. Opps, I mean Colombia. San Fran? and that Earring? Also in the closet. Another actor!
#24- Did you hit your head? What is that GIANT lump on your head? Or did you just get in a fight with your hair products.
#25- I can’t. I just can’t. Kalon??? What kind of name is that?? And the Helicopter? Of course no one wants to tell you where the bar is. You just made them all look like CHUMPS.
So there they are! Glad to see Emily has such winners to pick from… I can’t wait to look back at this at the end of the season! Pardon the judgey nature of this post. But, let’s be honest, you all were thinking it! I just typed it out…
And that concludes this weeks episode of Make it Public Monday