So, it’s no secret in my life that I’ve been single for a loooooooong time. Like, pretty much since middle school because that’s the last time I remember dating someone for more than a few months. And by “dating” in middle school I actually mean “hanging out in giant groups of teens and MAYBE, just MAYBE holding hands for 5 minutes or hugging right before the parents came to pick us up. So when it really comes down to the technical business, I’ve always been single. I guess I could count the handful of 3 month relationships if I wanted, but honestly… 3 months is like a week in my lifetime. So I just don’t bother.
I WANT to be in a relationship. Really, I do! Badly. But for some reason I just can’t get that that point with anyone ever. I also can’t seem to manage to find a date… But that’s a whole different post. I do tend to display what some might consider borderline desperate behavior at time. It’s becoming an issue! Prime example:
Out for a fun night with girlfriends. see cute guy. talk to said guy for a few. he immediately asks about friends relationship status. Despite the married/engaged status of friends, guy decides to pursue conversation with friends instead of self. Commence bar corner pout in public sesh.
Seriously. I did this. WHO THE HELL AM I????
Here’s the thing though, it’s not that I want a boyfriend because I don’t feel secure enough in myself. I’m fine with myself- obviously… It’s the only thing I know for pete’s sake! I want a boyfriend because I’m sick of not getting the benefits that all my non-single friends have! I know they say the grass is always greener at the other side, but if it were “better” to be single, then why do we pledge our lives to each other in marriage? And why do the lyrics of every love song say that “we’re better together” ?? I know everyone says love is great and all… but I think that actually, these people are “better together” because of all the added bonuses of being part of a pair.
I decided to make a list of the practical reasons that I want to be in a couple so that when I get into my ridiculously desperate, cry on the couch for 3 hours, pout in a corner at a bar mode, I can at least convince myself that it’s only because I’m sad that I’m not experiencing these helpful bonuses!
(I know this is ridiculous, but try to argue with me that these aren’t good reasons to be in a relationship.)
1- I need someone to share popcorn with at the movies so I don’t eat the WHOLE DAMN BAG.
2- I need someone to fix shit for me. Here’s the thing, I’m sure I could do it myself, that’s not the issue. The issue is that I don’t have tools! Or access to tools! (my dad is the ultimate yellow pages guy… we have about 3 screw drivers and a pair of pliers at my parents house.) I just need a guy who owns these tools to get me access to them so I can do it, OR better yet, just do it for me!
3- I need a guy to cure my effing boredom. I mean, I know that you can be bored while you’re with someone… but isn’t it always a little more entertaining to do nothing with someone than nothing with yourself?
4- Cooking for 2 is way easier than cooking for one. Also, cooking for 2 = less leftovers which subsequently = less wasted food.
5- I need someone I see everyday to hold me accountable. It’s one thing to answer your roommate when she asks if you finished that whole carton of ice cream in a week… it’s a whooooole different ballgame when you have to tell a boy.
6- I would love to be able to split the rent of a one bedroom place with someone. How rad would it be if I could split a sick place with someone and it only be half the cost?? Ok, yeah maybe it would be 2/3 of the cost, but it’s still less!
7- Sometimes its effing cold and you need/want more than a blanket to warm up! There’s a reason they tell people who are at risk of hypothermia to use body heat! Anyone remember the Voyage of The Mimi ??? (fun fact, Ben Affleck’s acting debut)
8- It looks REALLY conceited of me to put pictures of just myself up in my room… It looks totally normal to put up pictures of myself AND a boyfriend!
9- I’ll no longer be the 7th wheel at family dinners when my grandparents come and my sister brings over her boyfriend.
10- Permanent Flip Cup partner.
11- Permanent Corn Hole partner.
12- I get SO MUCH MORE sleep when I am following the lead of someone else’s sleep schedule. I am literally the WORST at making myself go to bed at a normal hour because I often can’t see a reason to make myself!
13- No more lonely road trips! Couples go on most of the road trips they take together right?
14- I can finally get a plus one to weddings since NONE of my friends seem to remember to invite their guy friends who also don’t get plus ones to their weddings!
15- I can finally have a relationship status on Facebook! Just kidding that’s never happening.
16- Being in a relationship will help my newly developed and wickedly awkward cougar tendencies go away. (This one is merely a hopeful hypothesis.)
17- Couples tickets to events typically cost less than singles tickets. Remember Prom? Duh.
So when it comes down to it… while I don’t need a boyfriend to feel pretty, I do need one to make some things a little easier. Maybe one day, I guess until then I could work on the changeable bullets on this list.
But lets be honest… It’s 3am. I’m still not going to bed early unless someone makes me.