Home Not So Alone

Sometimes when you’re nearly 30, your fiance decides to get out of the Navy and move back to Phoenix, Arizona. And sometimes when this happens, you’re a native Virginian, living the lovely life at the beach, minding your own buisness in your little beach condo (lets be honest you actually only stay at his house in Norfolk…) And then when he moves to Phoenix early to find a job, you have to… wait for it…


This is my life story right now. It actually makes 100% sense- We’re both staying at our childhood homes, not paying rent, not really paying for tons of food, saving $$$ (when one of us doesn’t go shopping at Kate Spade and all the online sales ever… Dammit Shreddy, you have the worst habits.)
If you’re lucky like I am, you have pretty easy going parents who really don’t make it super hard to live at home again. But that does not make you exempt from certain funny situations that if you are me, you just never thought you’d end back up in at this point in your life. I’ll be honest, I can look back at most of these and laugh, but most of them cause me to immediately turn right back into 13 year old Laura who reacts exculsively in the form of VERY auidble sighs, dramatic eyerolls that are not hidden very well, and almost never actually answering the question asked in a non sarcastic form.
I’d like to share some examples…

-I bring home, buy, order, find deep in a drawer that I havn’t seen in 20 years, an item Jules has never seen before: her immediate reaction- “how much did that set you back?” (side note- she NEVER believes me if it’s an old but newly found item/gifted item/or just an item shes never seen)

-I’m bending over to pull cake out of the oven in cotton shorts that I’ve been in all day- Jules “You didn’t wear those in public DID YOU????” I then have to explain that I haven’t touched them in an hour becuase I’ve been baking and didn’t care, and then have to pull them down to normal length to demonstrate that they aren’t actually that bad. but also I WAS BENDING OVER LADY!

-I’ve been in the habit of joking around about the number of salad’s I get from Harris Teeter for lunches by ending the salad comments with “#BrideDiet!” and now everytime my dad sees me putting something remotely unhealthy NEAR my mouth he reminds me “Bride Dieeeet” (in a valley girl voice).

-No matter what night of the week I go out or if I actually got home late or not, the next morning I am welcomed by the 20 question game that always starts with “what did you do last night?” (normal conversation) and is immediately followed up by “What time did you get home??” I’m pretty sure they never believe me when I tell them any time before 12am but also WHY DOES IT MATTER IF IM 29 and 11 12ths?

-My mom straight up gives away my leftovers to people… I had a WHOLE TRH (texas road house, get on my level here people, don’t forget that one.) Loaded Baked Potato in the fridge one day and it was literally ALL I could think about on my way home from work (#fatkid problems) and I got home and my mom had given it to my cousin. I cried real tears over this one. (Casey, don’t feel bad, I was just PMSing) She also lets my dad eat my stuff, and lets him finish off giant bags of snacks that are “for the family” but are really for “dad only”. That being said, she still buys food for just him that no one else is allowed to touch… I don’t even understand.

-I can’t wear less than a tank top and shorts around the house. If my dad sees me in even a sports bra and shorts he basically burns into a pile of ash on the floor faster than a vampire in the sun on true blood… (but really they take a long time on that show…) Even my mom came into my bathroom (without knocking) yesterday morning, to discover me topless, and after she told me her info she needed to share at 7:30 am, you know… prime info sharing time… she looked down at the dog and said “Come on Dora, lets not look at Lauri naked, it’s OFFENSIVE to our eyes!”.

-Speaking of the last one, Knocking is NOT a thing in my mom’s world. Doesn’t matter what room you’re in or what you might be doing… she’s coming in whether you like it or not. But I’ll remind you, she’s gonna be offended if you’re naked!

-Saturday night my mom asked my if she could get my anything out of the fridge and I responded “you know I was just trying to decide if I wanted some wine” to which she responded “you know its pretty sad if you’re drinking alone…” Because even though I’ve only had about 3 glasses of wine THIS MONTH, since I was the drunkest dance major ever in college I guess now adays if you’re me it’s considered drinking “alone” even when both your parents are home and 10 feet away from you…

Really, it’s not that bad at all at my parents house. For the most part, Mark and Jules are pretty rad. They just have their funny set ways and tend to forget that I’m actually more of an adult than not. But sometimes a girl just needs to vent for a moment. Life’s not always easy when you’re 29.9 and back at home for the longest 2 (praying to all things holy it’s not more) months of your life…

till next time,
Bye Felicia.


About theguildedblog

Anxious, Boisterous, Curvaceous, Discursive, Eccentric, Fickle, Gregarious, Histrionic, Improper, Jovial, Klutzy, Loyal, Mellifluous, Nebulous, Optimistic, Personable, Quirky, Raucous, Sassy, Tolerant, Understanding, Veracious, Wry, Xerotic, Yearning, Zesty Just tryin' to make it work y'all.
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