Symptoms

You might be pregnant if…

(12 week edition)

  • Your boobs hurt for 2 weeks straight rather than 2 days…
  • and then continue to hurt for the next 3 months.
  • You get heartburn just looking at tomatoes.
  • You cry because your husband wants to go to bed.
  • You can’t possibly stand the taste, sight, or smell of anything poultry related.
  • You lay in your bed at 4am spraying Febreeze because your husband made eggs on the other side of the house.
  • You spend the whole day starving but then want nothing to do with food when its time to make dinner.
  • All dreams resemble acid trips.
  • You dry heave the moment the toothbrush hits your mouth each morning.
  • All your shorts and pants suddenly have elastic waist bands.
  • You eat a beet and only a beet for dinner.
  • You haven’t gained any weight, but feel like you are exploding out of your scrubs.
  • You can’t remember any of your passwords to anything.
  • You suddenly have the skin of a 13 year old again but none of the old tricks work to clear it up.
  • You’re about 8 weeks coffee sober.
  • You wake up and start brainstorming when you could take a nap.
  • You check all three pregnancy apps on your phone each day to compare which fruit/vegetable/toy the baby is at least 5 times a day.
  • Time somehow moves at both the slowest and fastest rates possible.
  • You eat carrots and dip for dinner.
  • You have heartburn 6 hours after lunch.
  • Your whole house stresses you out but you are too tired to do anything about it.
  • Your already huge boobs are outgrowing your bras.
  • You no longer like wearing scrubs to work because you are exploding out of yours.
  • You have to take a glucose test not once, not twice, but three times and still can’t make it happen.
  • Your nipples start to feel like they are trying to escape from your body.IMG_8720 (more dinner than baby… )
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Home Not So Alone

Sometimes when you’re nearly 30, your fiance decides to get out of the Navy and move back to Phoenix, Arizona. And sometimes when this happens, you’re a native Virginian, living the lovely life at the beach, minding your own buisness in your little beach condo (lets be honest you actually only stay at his house in Norfolk…) And then when he moves to Phoenix early to find a job, you have to… wait for it…

MOVE IN WITH YOUR PARENTS

This is my life story right now. It actually makes 100% sense- We’re both staying at our childhood homes, not paying rent, not really paying for tons of food, saving $$$ (when one of us doesn’t go shopping at Kate Spade and all the online sales ever… Dammit Shreddy, you have the worst habits.)
If you’re lucky like I am, you have pretty easy going parents who really don’t make it super hard to live at home again. But that does not make you exempt from certain funny situations that if you are me, you just never thought you’d end back up in at this point in your life. I’ll be honest, I can look back at most of these and laugh, but most of them cause me to immediately turn right back into 13 year old Laura who reacts exculsively in the form of VERY auidble sighs, dramatic eyerolls that are not hidden very well, and almost never actually answering the question asked in a non sarcastic form.
I’d like to share some examples…

-I bring home, buy, order, find deep in a drawer that I havn’t seen in 20 years, an item Jules has never seen before: her immediate reaction- “how much did that set you back?” (side note- she NEVER believes me if it’s an old but newly found item/gifted item/or just an item shes never seen)

-I’m bending over to pull cake out of the oven in cotton shorts that I’ve been in all day- Jules “You didn’t wear those in public DID YOU????” I then have to explain that I haven’t touched them in an hour becuase I’ve been baking and didn’t care, and then have to pull them down to normal length to demonstrate that they aren’t actually that bad. but also I WAS BENDING OVER LADY!

-I’ve been in the habit of joking around about the number of salad’s I get from Harris Teeter for lunches by ending the salad comments with “#BrideDiet!” and now everytime my dad sees me putting something remotely unhealthy NEAR my mouth he reminds me “Bride Dieeeet” (in a valley girl voice).

-No matter what night of the week I go out or if I actually got home late or not, the next morning I am welcomed by the 20 question game that always starts with “what did you do last night?” (normal conversation) and is immediately followed up by “What time did you get home??” I’m pretty sure they never believe me when I tell them any time before 12am but also WHY DOES IT MATTER IF IM 29 and 11 12ths?

-My mom straight up gives away my leftovers to people… I had a WHOLE TRH (texas road house, get on my level here people, don’t forget that one.) Loaded Baked Potato in the fridge one day and it was literally ALL I could think about on my way home from work (#fatkid problems) and I got home and my mom had given it to my cousin. I cried real tears over this one. (Casey, don’t feel bad, I was just PMSing) She also lets my dad eat my stuff, and lets him finish off giant bags of snacks that are “for the family” but are really for “dad only”. That being said, she still buys food for just him that no one else is allowed to touch… I don’t even understand.

-I can’t wear less than a tank top and shorts around the house. If my dad sees me in even a sports bra and shorts he basically burns into a pile of ash on the floor faster than a vampire in the sun on true blood… (but really they take a long time on that show…) Even my mom came into my bathroom (without knocking) yesterday morning, to discover me topless, and after she told me her info she needed to share at 7:30 am, you know… prime info sharing time… she looked down at the dog and said “Come on Dora, lets not look at Lauri naked, it’s OFFENSIVE to our eyes!”.

-Speaking of the last one, Knocking is NOT a thing in my mom’s world. Doesn’t matter what room you’re in or what you might be doing… she’s coming in whether you like it or not. But I’ll remind you, she’s gonna be offended if you’re naked!

-Saturday night my mom asked my if she could get my anything out of the fridge and I responded “you know I was just trying to decide if I wanted some wine” to which she responded “you know its pretty sad if you’re drinking alone…” Because even though I’ve only had about 3 glasses of wine THIS MONTH, since I was the drunkest dance major ever in college I guess now adays if you’re me it’s considered drinking “alone” even when both your parents are home and 10 feet away from you…

Really, it’s not that bad at all at my parents house. For the most part, Mark and Jules are pretty rad. They just have their funny set ways and tend to forget that I’m actually more of an adult than not. But sometimes a girl just needs to vent for a moment. Life’s not always easy when you’re 29.9 and back at home for the longest 2 (praying to all things holy it’s not more) months of your life…

till next time,
Bye Felicia.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A little LiveJournal Throwback

Back in the days of my LiveJournal (circa 2001, named “Whenstarsfell” or something suuuuper emo like that) these quizzes spread like wildfire and I was OBSESSED with filling them out. It was my favorite way of subtly letting my crush know who he was and letting my friends know what I was being super moody about that week. I saw this on one of my favorite blogs and couldn’t help but go for it just or old times sake…

1: What are you wearing? This hot mess of an ensemble I threw on after work… including $7 Wal-Mart shorts, a grey tank top, a hot pink sports bra, a fatty headband, my glasses, and no makeup because I felt so shitty at work today the only thing that made it only my face was foundation but when I got home I rubbed all that off somehow…
2: Ever been in love? 100%. With Donuts… and cheese… and Ice cream… and Diet Coke… Oh and with Shreddy (DUH Ya’ll)
3: Ever had a terrible breakup? in the grand scheme of terrible things… not really.
4: How tall are you? 5’5
5: How much do you weigh? 30lbs less than I did a few months ago… 30 more than I want to a few months from now. Def a lot.
6: Any tattoos? Nope, Shreddy has enough for both of us.
7: Any piercings? a bunch in my ears but I only wear earrings in my lowest hole now that I’m an old lady.
8: OTP (one true pair, favorite fictional couple)? Daria and Trent
9: Favorite show? So You Think You Can Dance, New Girl, Mindy Project, American Horror Story, OITNB, LAW AND ORDER SVU, (and pretty much any other crime tv show, fiction or nonfiction- I have a SERIOUS problem.)
10: Favorite bands? I have a hard time w/ Bands, but Paramore puts on a GREAT live show… and London Grammar and Haim each have super great albums. (notice I can never list just one of something.)
11: Something you miss? SHREDDY! #35daystoomany
12: Favorite song? Dude it changes ALL of da time… right now: Piano by Ariana Grande
13: How old are you? 2 months too close to Dirty Thirty
14: Zodiac sign? Libra.
15: Quality you look for in a partner? HUMOR, support, trust.
16: Favorite Quote? “you can never be overdressed or over educated.”
17: Favorite actor? the funny dudes… sooo Andy Samberg? Chris Pratt?
18: Favorite color? Sparkle. is that a color? ok Gold.
19: Loud music or soft? bumpin yall. bumpin.
20: Where do you go when you’re sad? uhhhhh to wherever all the donuts are.
21: How long does it take you to shower? ALWAYS 10 min longer than I expect. so about 20 min on average?
22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 30 min ish… but guys, I wear scrubs to work… If I had to pick out an outfit again, we’d be back to 90 min.
23: Ever been in a physical fight? nope. But I did kick a patient out of the office recently and I thought she was maybe gonna fight me.
24: Turn on? Donuts.
25: Turn off? No Donuts.
26: The reason I started blogging? Casey kept being mad I didn’t keep up with it…
27: Fears? fuckin BIRDS.
28: Last thing that made you cry? lets not even get into this one… pretty much everything ever makes me cry. I think last night was a legit reason though and it was because I was on the phone with Shreddy and I just missed him a lot.
29: Last time you said you loved someone? on the phone earlier this evening
30: Meaning behind the name of your blog? Gilding something is adding gold to it to make something not so fancy look WAY fancier. This blog is pretending to be fancy.
31: Last book you read? Pigs In Heaven by Barbara Kingsolver
32: The book you’re currently reading? Orange Is the New Black by Piper Kerman
33: Last show you watched? The Emmys (I can’t wait for Fall TV to be back on…)
34: Last person you talked to? Jules!
35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted? he’s my fiance (which can we address for a moment- that word is so pretentious and makes me feel awkward and snotty when I use it…)
36: Favorite food? Donuts. also Pizza. oh and also Bacon.
37: Place you want to visit? I’m pumped to explore the WHOLE west coast w/ Shreddy!
38: Last place you were? uh… this is confusing. Work? so Norfolk?
39: Do you have a crush? yes, on the creator of Donuts. and on Shreddy.
40: Last time you kissed someone? 33 days ago. AWFUL that I know this.
41: Last time you were insulted? The lady I kicked out of the office called me racist.
42: Favorite flavor of sweet? How many times can I reference Donuts in this?
43: What instruments do you play? this is sad but I don’t really play any.
44: Favorite piece of jewelry? My engagement ring yall!
45: Last sport you played? uhhhh… bucket pong on the beach?? I don’t do sports guys.
46: Last song you sang? I’m sure an Ariana Grande song
47: Favorite chat up line? what is this quiz, a british dude on “The Only Was is Essex”? Chat up line?? who calls it that? I think the only one I’ve ever used was
“hey, wanna make out?”
48: Have you ever used it? only while very drunk.
49: Last time you hung out with anyone? All weekend I did lots of hangs! When your city is a bachelorette party destination it works out super well. partys AND sleeping in your own bed = old lady win.
50: Who should answer these questions next? All the millions of blog followers I have.

And there you have it… 50 questions all with answers about Donuts!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Just call me MaryLaura

soooo… this just happened:

Mere: what if the world ends
in 1 hr and 39 min
 

Me: well… it already tomorrow in a lot of places
and they’re fine
soooooo
i don’t know why they’re gonna end the world once its tomorrow here
sounds like a dumb plan
 
Mere: but its central time
for the mayans laura
 
Me: yes, but mere, the mayans are all dead
so clearly they didn’t predict things well
or they would have predicted their own end
and done something to try and stop it
DUH
 
Mere:oh bc u can stop space
you can’t do that laura
 
Me: oh good grief.
the world is ending and im pregnant with jesus.
 
Mere: whaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!
 
Me: well there is no scientific reason for me to be pregnant
 
Mere: but u are?
 
Me: but i’m having all these pregnancy symptoms
like im tired all the time
and im craving the dumbest food
like, i went and got bagel bites last night
 
Mere: and crying
 
Me: bc i was craving them so hard
and yes, crying over nothing
 
Mere: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
 
Me: so clearly im pregannt with BJC
baby jesus christ
today at work i was changing all the words to songs to be about me and BJC
all the christmas songs
just call me MaryLaura
 
Mere: OMGGGG
please make this ablog
bc this is getting OC
 
Me: hahhaha
 
Mere: or iwill post this entire convo
 
Me: i mean
you can
i already had it with my boss today
 
Mere: hahah ummmmmmm.
 
Me: shes who i was singing the songs to
and then i told my mom
and she told me i was actually probably pregnant with the anti christ and thats why the world was ending
i mean, i went to kroger in rest pants with no panties last night to get bagel bites
 
Mere: it is the end of the world!!!!
 
Me: and i walked out with bagel bites, chips and queso, beanless chilli, and coconut milk ice cream
 
Mere: ohhhhhh that sounds like a love binge
 
Me: what??
 
Mere: that is called a binge
benge
binge yes binge
you binged?
is that even a word
 
Me: no, bc i didn’t eat all that
only the bagel bites
 
As per Mere’s request… convo now blogged for us to remember forever. Or for the next 10 min until the world ends.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Cry Baby

So guys… I have this issue…

I cry over nothing.

I’m not even kidding you. NOTHING.

Well, not really nothing. But definitely over what some might consider nothing. This is a new thing for me. I used to cry over normal things, you know… sad movies, funerals, fights with parents/boys, emotional NORMAL sort of things. But in the last couple years I have started crying over really bizzarre things. And when I say bizzarre, I mean weirder than Lindsay Lohan getting sober and off probation…

So before we get down to the (ever growing) list, let me just explain how this all goes down. This is not a cry that I work myself up into… this is a cry that sneaks up on me and leaves me with absolutely no time to bite down on my tongue and try to get myself to stop. Like, event happens and within SECONDS I have a lump in my throat the size of a golfball and my eyes are literally welling over with tears. This has proven to be a bit of a problem because as you’re about to read, sometimes these are not events I can control being around… they just happen. And there I am, crying like a baby for what seems to everyone else to be absolutely no reason at all.

So without further ado, here we have: Things that I inappropriately cry over.

1- Dog shows.

Not because I’m all for animal rights or something, but because I love dogs so much and they are all just so damn cute that apparently, it brings me to tears.

2- Taylor Swift receiving any award.

I call it the “pride cry” y’all… I think it’s because deep down inside, I think we’re sisters.

3- Watching any of my friends perform anything.

Pride cry again folks.

4- The Nutcracker

Maybe it’s nostalgia? Or being jealous I’m not on stage too? Or perhaps just reliving the time that dance studio I taught for performed The Nutcracker ON A STAGE IN THE MIDDLE OF A MALL (NEXT TO A TARGET). (this one is a legitimate horrific memory because it was, overall, the most embarrassing production of anything I’ve ever been involved in… so maybe this cry has a little bit to do with trauma?)

5- Dogs 101

Yes, the tv show. Again, the dogs are just so damn cute!

6- Credit Card commercials during the Olympics.

You know the ones I’m talking about… where the athletes are being all amazing and then they talk about the moms? Yeah. Uncontrollable tears after those.

7- Acapella groups performing pretty songs

I don’t know why, it doesn’t even have to be a sad song, but it just gets me every time! I even cried while watching people sing in Pitch Perfect the other day… not even live singing!

8- Seeing people wear wedge sneakers.

(ok I lied, this just makes me WANT to cry because they’re so damn ugly.)

9- (this one is the real kicker y’all…) Santa

Only Santa in real life, not Santa on tv or anything… But twice now this season, I have seen Santa in person and burst into tears. Once just walking to get coffee from my shop we passed each other on the sidewalk and I lost it, and the next time at the Symphony with my parents… Santa walked out on stage during the last medley of songs and suddenly, out comes my cork and down come the tears! There is really no good explanation for this one. Except that I must just really like Santa because it is always a happy cry rather than a sad/scared one!

My delightful sister took a picture of that last one but I am techo-challenged so I don’t know how to get it off instagram soooooo… I can’t share it with you. (damn…) but you can check her out (@Lynnnna) and see if you feel so inclined.

So there you have it… the current list of BS things that make me cry. Thank goodness I don’t embarrass easily or I’d be screwed. I will admit though, I am totally nervous about the next time I see Santa in public…

UPDATE: Christmas happened and I cried once more upon seeing Santa through a window… while at work… in front of customers.

Also, I remembered a few more things that make me cry:

-Parades

-Hymns at church

-Marching Bands

-Singing Christmas carols at church on Christmas eve

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

This post brought to you by Red Wine.

Things I like:

bagel chips and goat cheese

red wine

diet coke

man leg

short shorts that show off man leg

Shahs of Sunset

fast forward

red wine from a box

festive holiday headware

cookie dough slim fast bars

Christmas trees

Christmas lights

red wine from a black box

Things I DO NOT like:

fruit on salad

itchy feet

Real Housewives of Anywhere

The feeling my hands get when I really need to wash them

When I forget I can’t fast forward because I’m watching in real time

mother fucking stupid customers 

working on weekends

Kay Jewelers commercials

people who post their grades on facebook

going to court for speeding tickets

This is all. Thank you and you’re welcome.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Don’t Call Me Desperate…

So, it’s no secret in my life that I’ve been single for a loooooooong time. Like, pretty much since middle school because that’s the last time I remember dating someone for more than a few months. And by “dating” in middle school I actually mean “hanging out in giant groups of teens and MAYBE, just MAYBE holding hands for 5 minutes or hugging right before the parents came to pick us up. So when it really comes down to the technical business, I’ve always been single. I guess I could count the handful of 3 month relationships if I wanted, but honestly… 3 months is like a week in my lifetime. So I just don’t bother. 

I WANT to be in a relationship. Really, I do! Badly. But for some reason I just can’t get that that point with anyone ever. I also can’t seem to manage to find a date… But that’s a whole different post. I do tend to display what some might consider borderline desperate behavior at time. It’s becoming an issue! Prime example:

Out for a fun night with girlfriends. see cute guy. talk to said guy for a few. he immediately asks about friends relationship status. Despite the married/engaged status of friends, guy decides to pursue conversation with friends instead of self. Commence bar corner pout in public sesh.

Seriously. I did this. WHO THE HELL AM I????

Here’s the thing though, it’s not that I want a boyfriend because I don’t feel secure enough in myself. I’m fine with myself- obviously… It’s the only thing I know for pete’s sake! I want a boyfriend because I’m sick of not getting the benefits that all my non-single friends have! I know they say the grass is always greener at the other side, but if it were “better” to be single, then why do we pledge our lives to each other in marriage? And why do the lyrics of every love song say that “we’re better together” ?? I know everyone says love is great and all… but I think that actually, these people are “better together” because of all the added bonuses of being part of a pair. 

I decided to make a list of the practical reasons that I want to be in a couple so that when I get into my ridiculously desperate, cry on the couch for 3 hours, pout in a corner at a bar mode, I can at least convince myself that it’s only because I’m sad that I’m not experiencing these helpful bonuses!

(I know this is ridiculous, but try to argue with me that these aren’t good reasons to be in a relationship.)

1- I need someone to share popcorn with at the movies so I don’t eat the WHOLE DAMN BAG.

2- I need someone to fix shit for me. Here’s the thing, I’m sure I could do it myself, that’s not the issue. The issue is that I don’t have tools! Or access to tools! (my dad is the ultimate yellow pages guy… we have about 3 screw drivers and a pair of pliers at my parents house.) I just need a guy who owns these tools to get me access to them so I can do it, OR better yet, just do it for me!

3- I need a guy to cure my effing boredom. I mean, I know that you can be bored while you’re with someone… but isn’t it always a little more entertaining to do nothing with someone than nothing with yourself?

4- Cooking for 2 is way easier than cooking for one. Also, cooking for 2 = less leftovers which subsequently = less wasted food. 

5- I need someone I see everyday to hold me accountable. It’s one thing to answer your roommate when she asks if you finished that whole carton of ice cream in a week… it’s a whooooole different ballgame when you have to tell a boy.

6- I would love to be able to split the rent of a one bedroom place with someone. How rad would it be if I could split a sick place with someone and it only be half the cost?? Ok, yeah maybe it would be 2/3 of the cost, but it’s still less!

7- Sometimes its effing cold and you need/want more than a blanket to warm up! There’s a reason they tell people who are at risk of hypothermia to use body heat! Anyone remember the Voyage of The Mimi ??? (fun fact, Ben Affleck’s acting debut)

8- It looks REALLY conceited of me to put pictures of just myself up in my room… It looks totally normal to put up pictures of myself AND a boyfriend!

9- I’ll no longer be the 7th wheel at family dinners when my grandparents come and my sister brings over her boyfriend.

10- Permanent Flip Cup partner. 

11- Permanent Corn Hole partner.

12- I get SO MUCH MORE sleep when I am following the lead of someone else’s sleep schedule. I am literally the WORST at making myself go to bed at a normal hour because I often can’t see a reason to make myself!

13- No more lonely road trips! Couples go on most of the road trips they take together right? 

14- I can finally get a plus one to weddings since NONE of my friends seem to remember to invite their guy friends who also don’t get plus ones to their weddings!

15- I can finally have a relationship status on Facebook! Just kidding that’s never happening.

16- Being in a relationship will help my newly developed and wickedly awkward cougar tendencies go away. (This one is merely a hopeful hypothesis.)

17- Couples tickets to events typically cost less than singles tickets. Remember Prom? Duh.

So when it comes down to it… while I don’t need a boyfriend to feel pretty, I do need one to make some things a little easier. Maybe one day, I guess until then I could work on the changeable bullets on this list. 

But lets be honest… It’s 3am. I’m still not going to bed early unless someone makes me. 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment